Simple steps for taking charge of your life, starting from within
Siddhi Johri
International Pageant Winner
Celebrity
Brand Ambassador of National & International Projects
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Clinical Biochemist
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Jodhpur, Rajasthan
Emotional Independence or self-sufficiency is the ability to regulate your emotions and still feel good about yourself even when in difficult situations. It is also the practice of being able to regulate your emotions without seeking constant approval, attention, and validation from others.
Emotional Independence is about self-governing your own emotions. Unfortunately, emotional independence is little discussed in everyday life. It is quite rare to hear someone talk about teaching their kids to be emotionally independent. It is also uncommon to hear of someone struggling with emotional dependence. This could be because emotional independence often comes naturally to people as they mature out of childhood. For others, however, it can be very difficult to manage and take control of their own emotions.
For people who have not achieved emotional independence, their emotions depend on others’ behavior. Typically, their behavior and emotions are dependent on someone close to them, like a romantic partner or a friend. They are always asking other people for their opinion because they want to please them. People who are not emotionally independent have a great fear of being rejected, ignored, not liked, or criticized. The way they view themselves is often negative, and they may have low self-esteem. They may be negative towards themselves and will change what they say, do, wear, or even believe in hopes of feeling more accepted by another. They feel like they can’t live without someone who’s important to them and would be worthless if they left. This is not a healthy way of living.
Accepting ourselves and changing unhelpful perceptions and behaviors allows us to find the strength we need to create a personalized sense of inner calm. It empowers us to see ourselves as separate from others and declare independence from circumstances that might once have dictated our moods, behaviors, and ideas about ourselves.
I know, I know. That all sounds good on paper, but actually practicing it is something else altogether. The truth is, it’s more comfortable to hold on to our usual, automatic responses (even if those responses don’t make us happy) than it is to change them. And even if we do want to change from within, it’s sometimes hard to know where to begin. Below are some simple steps you can start taking to begin living from within now and be your own remote control for your emotions.
Explore your values and long-term goals.
When’s the last time you had some time to yourself without your phone, the TV, or other means of distraction? We’re constantly blasted with external stimuli that take us away from reflecting and being aware of our minds and ourselves. Try to take a good 10 minutes a day to self-reflect. Take yourself on as a research project. Get to know yourself better. During this time, watch your mind wander without judgment. What do you think about? What emotions do your thoughts trigger? Over time, you’ll start learning about the most important person in your life: you! Then you can begin to gain an understanding of your values and long-term goals.
Learn to be imperfectly perfect.
All of us learn a bunch of “shoulds” and “ought tos” throughout our lives. You know, things like, “I should be happy all the time,” or “I ought to be exceptional at everything I do.” Most of the time, ideas of that nature dictate how we live our lives. We have to be willing to identify the inner voices that tell us what we should and ought to be, in order to distinguish them from our own true voice. It’s important to decide to be free from the expectations others have of you; otherwise, you risk living a potentially unfulfilling life. We’re not always aware that we’re taking other people’s expectations on as our own. But when we do it, we wind up feeling anxious, resentful, uncomfortable, unfulfilled, and empty. Recognize that those kinds of emotions can serve as signals to let you know you aren’t living from your personal truth, but rather based on the “shoulds” and “ought tos.”
Explore yourself through your most important relationships.
We develop our emotional independence from our most important relationships with others. What I mean by this is that we can’t know who we are until we get a good understanding of how we relate to other people. Our family and romantic relationships commonly trigger us the most; but if we’re paying attention, these triggers can reveal to us how reactive we are to others’ opinions of us. Being emotionally independent doesn’t mean that the people in your life have absolutely no effect on you. However, it supports you in striking a good balance between emotional closeness and distance, allowing you to regulate yourself even around people who know your triggers. Your close relationships shouldn’t feel like a burden or a crutch you need to feel good about yourself and your life.
Take responsibility for yourself. When we blame others for our difficulties, we put 100% of the blame on them. By doing this, we make them 100% responsible for fixing the problems we face. That leaves us feeling emotionally dependent and uncomfortably vulnerable. In order to better manage your emotions, you have to take responsibility for your part in the problems you face. This puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life, instead of being driven by your emotions. It helps you become aware of the options you have to improve your situation and quiets your unsettling feelings, giving you more control of your emotional responses.
Know the magic chemicals of your brain
Serotonin and dopamine are the chemicals our brains release to give us the feelings of joy and happiness. According to neuroscience research, we can condition ourselves to feel happier about our lives by changing the way we think about and perceive our experiences. Our brains help us decide what makes us happy, and according to research, it has nothing to do with the outside world. It’s all about how we perceive the outside world.
Real happiness comes from within.
Even if you think you don’t have control over your feelings now, by changing your thinking over time, you can gain more control over your emotions, allowing you to live a more emotionally independent life. People, circumstances, and your bank account can’t control you! You can feel every emotion you want to feel by engaging in more purposeful thoughts and actions. Happiness is your ultimately your own decision. Choose to be happy no matter what.
If you can take a good look at yourself and your actions, opening yourself up to making changes that you might never have considered, that is what taking charge of your life looks like. Living an emotionally independent life means opening yourself up to new experiences and letting go of the idea that it’s better to live comfortably than to work on changing out of fear of the unknown. There’s another type of emotional comfort worth trying out, and that’s the self-confidence of knowing you can handle anything you face. Emotional independence is the only lasting security, the only real sense of internal comfort.
